It’s Been a While

November 11, 2009

I have been busy, busy,busy. Between work events, kid activities, appointments, researching swine flu vaccines pros and cons, I have no time for my blog. I have promised myself to write at least once  a week, for shits and giggles.

So before I go any further, you must all watch this: Subtle Sexuality.

The Office is one of my favorite shows and one of only two programs set in my DVR (the other is the Hills) I think the writing is fantastic and I know I am always going to get a good laugh.

After watching this webisode it made me think of the fun stuff me an my friends used to do when we were in our early 20’s. You see, we had LOTS of spare time and aside from working we did not have much going on. Soo, what did we do? Well….we did A LOT of lip syncing and skit production, of course, DUH. My favorite is Spice Girl night.

Here’s how it happened. We were watching some Spice Girls videos and we decided to play dress up and act out one of them out. Somewhere a tape exists of this night. This is such an example of what good girls we were.  While Paris, Miss California, Kim Khardasian, and all those other hoochies spent their teens and twenties making sexy time videos, me and my friends were still playing pretend.

Kristi was nominated choreographer, she was a cheerleader in high school, so that qualified her as expert dancer. She also played the role of Baby Spice, being that she was also the blonde of the group. I was scary Spice, you know because of the hair and complexion. Kelly was Posh because of her hotness, Katie was Ginger because of her boobs, and since Casey was out and about touring Europe or on a cruise ship or maybe even still in college, she was Sporty. She probably would have fought to be Posh, but since she was not around she didn’t get a vote. I know whenever we reminisce about this night, Casey is secretly pissed that she was cast as the plain girl. She does not appear in the video, we make a reference to Sporty,  saying she sustained a soccer injury and is recuperating. Our good friend Keith came over and he was the director, Gunther. (pronounced: Gooonther)

Kristi took her job as choreographer very seriously and while me an the other girls rummaged through Katie’s closet for our Spice Girl outfits, she watched the video over and over to get the steps just right. We practiced all night and had it down so well I think we convinced ourselves we were the Next Big Thing!

The next night, our guy friends came over to hang out. We of course, did not want them to know what we had been up to the night before, but one of them started watching the video. They were in awe (not in a good way) and laughing their asses off at us. We were confident and proud. Who knew there was soo much talent in one group of friends! They also told us that the Spice Girls were the best marketing gimmick out there, that any girl could identify with any member of the group, and that’s why they were so successful. As they continued their lecture in Marketing 101, I pretended to act like I cared, all the while I was humming the tune “Tell me what you want, what you really, really want”, thinking about our next skit and our new lives as superstars.

Fabulous

October 5, 2009

I stopped by my friend’s antique shop and I saw this:

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The first thing I thought when I saw it was “Wow, where can I put it?”. I mean if you are going to have a chandelier in your home, you might as well go for it. When people see it you don’t just want them to think “Nice Chandelier” you want them to think “Nice CHANDE- FUCKIN’- LIER”. Right?

I stood there mesmerized by all its crystally beauty. I admired it for a good 5 minutes because I knew this would be the last time I was ever going to see it, there was no way I could bring it home with me. Kinda like when you see a kitten or a puppy at one of the weekend animal rescues at the local mall. (SIGH)

That night I had trouble falling asleep and I starting thinking about the chandelier. I could not think of anybody off hand that could use it, even my friends who have the homes that exceed 3,000 square feet, I didn’t think this was really their style. I guess you have to have that certain something or as the french say: je-ne-sais-quoi to own a piece like that in your home. I mean you really have to be able to back that up. Then I thought of my Aunt Barbara. She radiates “FABULOSITY”. It’s true, ask any one that knows her. She is the only person I know that can wear a cocktail dress to work and get away with it just because it’s Tuesday. It would be fitting if whenever she walked into a room this chandelier was hovering directly above her. People wouldn’t even think twice. It would just go.

Every since I can remember everybody has always luuuved my Aunt Barbara. She had many admirers when she was in high school, she always got the fancy box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day, a cousin on my dad’s side would make the drive from LA just to catch a glimpse of her, one time at an A’s game, the Sesame Street gang was promoting their ice show, they stopped by our seats and Ernie would not leave her side. When I was in high school some of my guy friends would stop to visit me just to she is she was home. She has been compared to many a movie star. My friend Katie thinks comparing Barbara to Catherine Zeta Jones is an insult to Barbara.

If we could flashback to the 1950’s, Barbara would be one of those ladies whose dance ticket was always full and men would line up to light her cigarettes and bring her martini’s. If we could flashback even further to…. let’s say….. the Civil War, Barbara would most definitely be Scarlett O’Hara.

So as I tried to fall asleep, I thought about how I could get this Chandelier to its one and only suitable owner … If anybody has any ideas let me know.

Dear Mr. President,

I was very excited to see your address to our nation’s youth. I think it is fantastic that we have a President who takes time from his busy schedule to speak to the children of the good ‘ol USA. However, I am very disappointed by the end result. Where was the brainwashing? Next time you should really follow through on your promises. My approval rating of you has now dropped .01 percent.  

 Better luck next time,

 Valerie

Our vacation this summer was to the Happiest Place on Earth. I have to admit I didn’t think it was going to be as fun as it was. Back in April when we were talking about summer vacay’s I had my mind set on an elaborate trip to Vegas, sans the children, to celebrate our 5 year wedding anniversary. I had found some great deals and was really excited about going, but Dave was not that interested

I think of Vegas as a place to pamper yourself: go to the spa, sit by the pool, eat some good meals, purchase a designer handbag  or 2 if you win big, gamble your face off. Blackjack, roulette, slot machines….I love it!

Dave has enjoyed many a good time in Vegas but it was with his boyz and they were up to all types of shenanigans and tomfoolery and survived on 2 hours of sleep and a (ahem) “liquid diet”. So I have had a little trouble convincing him that “Vegas is your friend”

I noticed a promotion for Disneyland, buy 3 days get 2 for free (hotel and park entry), I mentioned it to Dave and he booked the trip that night. Wait…..what about Vegas? DENIED! Well it’s also Sam’s 4th Birthday, so I set aside my dreams of winning big money while drinking free Bloody Mary’s and I prepared myself for Mickey Mouse, Tinkerbell and $20 light up toys that every parent hates to buy. I mean seriously we buy that junk at 8:00 at night when the kids are spent, and they should really be asleep. We want so desperately for them to see the parade and enjoy it that we will buy them anything they want. Even if , when you hand over your Jackson (Andrew Jackson, that it) you feel a little like you just took it in the “A”.  Talk about getting  worked! Those toys last approximately 4 hours before they break.

Wait, wait, I digress. We had a great time and at some point, I will post some highlights from my trip. Warning: Posts will be stereotypical “My kid is so cute”, go ahead and puke now. But hey, when you are at Disneyland those are exactly the memories you are there to make!

Peace

Get Fitted

July 28, 2009

To all my lady friends, chances are you are wearing the wrong size bra. I spent a little time working retail in the lingerie department at Neiman Marcus when I was a young twenty-something.  The women I worked with were older than my grandma and all they did, all day long, was measure ladies boobies. Thankfully I was considered too young and inexperienced for such an important task, so I was mainly responsible for putting bras back on hangers and selling nightgowns and robes. My time there did not go wasted, my coworkers did teach me a few things, #1 Your bras should ALWAYS have the matching under garment and #2 Get yourself measured and fitted regularly, your bra size can fluctuate.

Since working there, I remembered their words of wisdom and would occasionally get myself measured. I generally stayed the same size, but after 2 kids, I noticed my old bras just weren’t doing it for me. My straps were constantly falling down and my back would kinda ache. Just to give you a visual, my back was not aching because suddenly after kids I had boobs the size of Pam Anderson, it was quite the opposite, think Celine Dion. Actually, I shouldn’t be surprised, my friends nicknamed me the “Littlest Angel” after a training bra brand when I was in my early twenties. I always liked the title, after all I was also the only one of my friends that could go bra-less under many a halter top.

So a few weeks ago my mom and I went shopping. I wasn’t planning to purchase new bras but I wasn’t sure when my next chance to go shopping without the kids would be, so I went for it. I searched for an older sales associate or “Specialist” (That’s what we call them in the lingerie world) and told her I needed to be measured. Just a tip: the older ladies are better at this. She was very nice and as I had suspected I had gone down a back AND cup size.  (Sigh) She told me she would be right back with a couple of options and then she asked me if I was here with my mom. I told her yes, not sure why she was asking.

She returned with a few choices, mostly basic and boring. She did bring one black bra with a hint of lace and told me “This one is for fun”. Ummm, okay? My mom joined me a few minutes later and I asked her when the last time she was fitted. The question stopped her in her tracks. Think a deer in headlights. The answer was “Never”.  I was shocked. There is no way to put this delicately, my mom has Knockers. She should have been getting herself measures a long time ago. I told her she might as well do it, since we were here. The Specialist measured her and again my mother was wearing the wrong size bra. Instead of the 34 C  she was a 32 DDD. That’s TRIPLE D or G.

The specialist came back with a stack of bras that could clearly kick my bras ass. The straps were huge and thick and the snaps in the back are reminiscent of artillery for a knight. Aside from the basic line she also brought quite a few lacy numbers and some really pretty bras. I looked back at the one “fun” bra she brought me and thought What the “F”.  I mentioned the differences to my mom and my mom told me “She thinks you are a kid”. When she asked me if I was with my mom, she found my mom, went up to her and told her in a whisper “Just so you know your daughter is doing fine, she is a 32 B”, my mom just responded in a whisper “Okay”.  Well that certainly explained why she didn’t bring me any see through lacy brassieres. I wonder what she would have thought if I told her I was the mom of two?

At the check out counter my mom and I were laughing at our afternoon adventure. We both wore our new bras out of the store, much like when you are a kid and you get a new pair of shoes. The sales specialist threw away my mom’s 34 C. At that moment I looked at my mom  and made some smart ass comment about her boobs. That’s when the sales specialist looked at me and said “Well honey, this is your mom and just think in a few years that is going to be you. ”

Wait….what? I have been told by many that I look young for my age ,but when someone thinks you have not gone through puberty, is that a compliment? I didn’t say anything and even kept quiet when she rang up the total bill on my mom’s account. Ahh the benefits of sales people thinking you are a teenager! Your mommy still pays.

Feeling Confident!

Feeling Confident!

Much better, mom!

Much better, mom!

A whole new take on mommy and me shopping.

A whole new take on mommy and me shopping.

I am fairly new to social networking, via the Facebook. I enjoy finding friends from high school and college and reconnecting with them. I have even met up with a few old friends and enjoyed a cup of coffee with them while we fill each other in on our lives.

Here is the thing I don’t get. When your friends on facebook post pictures, status updates, etc, are we not supposed to comment about it when you run into them in person? On several occasions I have commented on something I saw, asked about a trip recently taken, and have even recognized a friend’s kid at the playground. Nearly every time, (unless it’s a good friend), people look at me like I’m a freak. I do admit I have a fantastic memory for all things unneccessary. I can remember many events from the past and probably what you were wearing on that occassion. I’m not on facebook all day long, but I will look at pictures that were recently posted, so if I run into you chances are I’m going to comment.

Moving forward, should I keep my mouth shut and pretend I didn’t know you recently moved, your kid lost a tooth, you went to Thailand? Geez people, stop posting shit, if you don’t want me to talk about it! 

I just want to clear up one thing, I am not a facebook stalker, I am just a mom taking some time to unwind. Thank you for keeping things interesting but in the future I will pretend I know nothing about it!

Where have you been?

July 12, 2009

For those of you who read my blog, maybe you have been wondering where I have been? Well, I’ll tell you. A few weeks ago Dave came home from a long day at work and said to me “Woman, it’s ’bout time you started pulling your weight around here. Why don’t you out there and get yourself a job?” I was shocked and horrified, does this mean I can no longer sit at home eating bon bons and watching All My Children?  Just Kidding! The previously mentioned conversation never occurred, and sitting around isn’t part of my life anymore since I have two little ones that keep me so busy I barely eat.

What did happen was I began perusing Craigslist and Opportunity Nocs to see if there were any positions out there that might be a good match for me. To my surprise there was a little position for a non-profit looking for an Area Director. I put my hat in the ring and after a long interview process I got the gig!

I’m excited for this new opportunity and I felt it was time for me to re-enter the working world. With this new adventure comes lots to consider. First and foremost, who is gonna watch my kids ? How will I make dinner everynight? Can I still work out on a regular basis? and What’s going to happen to my blog? Blogging is my most recent endeveour and I enjoy it very much and I will try my best not to abandon it. I have an endless amount of anecdotes and it would almost be criminal not to share.

Stay tuned for more to come … and wish me luck!

New Friend

June 23, 2009

Me and Miss Marley went to lunch today. I went shopping and was going to attempt to get the new i-phone, but the wait was 3 hours and I decided to buy new clothes instead. It was exhausting and made me hungry and since Marley is always up for a meal I went for it. 

We just stopped at the cafe at Nordstrom. It was still early and I thought we were the only ones in there until I heard a voice saying “I want to meet the little debutante that is making all that noise.” I looked up saw a frail old man in a bright orange wind breaker wearing the biggest grin I ever saw. Marley instantly loved him and was smiling, waving and charming him to bits.  He looked at her and said ” You enjoy your time with your mommy.” and then he said to me  “I’m 84 years old and I still miss my mom everyday” I chatted with him for a few minutes until our food arrived, small talk and meal time are not a good mix for Marley. I would have liked to continue talking to him, he was just a lonely old man looking for company. When he walked away he apologized for disturbing my lunch. I told him he was no bother at all, but his comment made me sad. It made me think of my grandpa who enjoyed telling a good story whether it was true or not. I would like to think, if he were still alive today, and he approached a woman with her daughter she would of taken a few minutes out of her day to have a friendly, harmless chat. Our senior friends deserve that!

These days we are so consumed by where we need to be and what needs to be done next. Most of the time we are too rushed to enjoy the beauty in the simple things. My new friend at the cafe today is a regular, the staff all knew him by name and would stop to chat with him in between their duties. What a great way to get through the day. We should all slow down, take a breath, and remember to say hello.

June 18, 2009

I sat down and watched The View for a few minutes today. I don’t watch the show regularly because I have very little tolerance for Elizabeth Hasselbeck. Today’s show caught my attention because Lauren Conrad was a guest (woo hoo “LC”) . When I was watching they were still on their “Hot Topics” segment and they were discussing a current Calvin Klein billboard ad that has got some parents of an NYC neighborhood a little upset. 

They could only show the ad once , for a few seconds on screen because of the risque nature. From what I could see, in that little bit of time, was a women laying on a couch with 2 men (kissing one) and below her on the ground is another man watching. All the players are topless with the women’s girlie bits strategically covered.  

Elizabeth felt that this was not an appropriate image to be shown in a mass public display. I actually agree with her (gasp) What is happening to me? Oh my gawd please tell me I’m not turning into an conservative! I don’t mind these ads being in magazines, Internet, or other forms of media where I can control what my kids can and cannot see. My children are too young to even approach this subject matter, but it won’t be long and I need to have answers. The ad seems a little too dirty.  Although, on the flip side of this, the Billboard is in Manhattan, the city that never sleeps, where anything goes, and people come in every shape, size and color.  It’s not in a quiet suburban community where mass loads of moms in their SUV’s are shuttling their brood from one soccer game to the next. Perhaps the children that live in the big city grow up a little faster and can handle this type of subject matter?

I don’t know for sure, but this being a parent thing surprises me all the time. Pre-kids I would have thought Elizabeth was being her usual uptight self and I may have thrown something at the TV, but today she is my friend.

 

Yuck.

Yuck.

The names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Me and my pals attended a wedding many years ago. Most of my girlfriends were still single at this time, so weddings had a different feel back then. Mostly we got wasted and flirted with the single guys. Ahhh the good ol’ days.

At this particular wedding I brought a date and my good friend Lola rode along with me. Lola actually offered to be the designated driver so that me and my date could get our drink on. At some point during the reception we both decided we didn’t feel like being drunk so we told Lola she could go ahead and join the party and one of us would drive home. It seemed like a perfectly nice gesture. Why take all the fun out of her night, just because we didn’t feel like drinking?

The wedding was delightful as most weddings are. Things started to wrap up and we told Lola it was time to go home. Problem was, Lola didn’t want the fun to be over. Maybe it was the particular vintage of wine, or maybe she had to play catch up with everyone else, but Lola was suddenly HAMMERED.  We slowly said our goodbyes to give Lola some extra time. Kinda like what we do with our kids… “5 more minutes and then we are leaving” We even played valet pick up service at the reception hall entrance just so Lola didn’t have to walk to the car.

I went in again to tell her it was time to go and she just wasn’t having it. She was hanging out with the staff as they were cleaning up around her. I almost gave up and was going to have the parents of the bride drive her home, but I decided to go back, sit in my car and wait.

Suddenly the door to the reception hall opened with all its might …. and there she appeared. She just stood there for a moment staring. I turned on the headlights so I could see what the problem was. That small gesture, made this her moment, much like when an actor takes the stage. Picture: Hamlet’s – soliloquy.   There she was dressed in her perfectly prim Ralph Lauren, pissed off and shit face drunk. (I’m sure the guy whose logo is a pony would not be happy with this product image) Her posture was reminiscent of a vato (Mexican gangster) or an inmate. She looked around from side to side shouting several expletives and then stared directly at me, slowly lifting the middle finger of her right hand and then the middle finger of the left. Right then and there she double flipped me off. 

 She actually stayed in her spotlight for at least a minute until my other good friend Carla (who was also wasted and getting a ride from us) escorted her to my car. Fortunately, Carla was an over the moon happy drunk and provided some much needed comic relief.

Lola carried on her disgust for me through the parking lot and eventually passed out. The silence was golden but unfortunately didn’t last long, Lola started feeling mighty poorly half way home on the freeway. It happens. The seats of my car and my date’s suit were casualties. Carla was in dream land and missed the whole thing only to awaken at our destination thinking we had stopped for Chinese food. Good times!

My reaction to all of this when it was all over was to laugh. (okay I wasn’t thrilled the next day) Lola hates the mere mention of this occasion and probably thinks we are laughing at her when we talk about it, but as cliche as it may be we are laughing with her.  Each and every one of us has done something that we are not proud of or is embarrassing. It’s part of life. Just think of what the consequences may have been had she rode home with the bride’s parents? I took one for the team. Lola is one of my closest pals and she would have to do a whole lot worse for me to suddenly stop being her friend. As far as I’m concerned she could double flip me off every night of the week and I’d laugh as hard as if it were the first time. You know what? ….Bring it Lola….BRING IT!

Artist Rendering

Artist Rendering