Britney Bitch

May 20, 2009

I’m a fan of the Brit Brit. I remember going on my lunch break circa 1999 to a local music store and at the check out counter there she was staring back at me. It was her debut album “…Baby One More Time” and I thought to myself who is this overly tanned youngin’ on this completely low budget album cover. I chuckeled to myself. “She’ll never last”. Shortly after, I happened to catch her music video for “Hit Me Baby One More Time” and I was hooked. What a sassy little thing. I WANT TO BE JUST LIKE HER! 


I am hardly a Britney fanatic. I only own a few of her albums, a couple dolls, you know,the usual. I have never seen her in concert. I did meet her at the MTV video music awards and I wasn’t even trying to find her. I was actually hoping to get the autograph of one of the dudes from In Sync, for my best friend Kelly. I was walking down the aisle trying to make my way towards them and there was a traffic jam. I rested my hand on one of the seats while I waited for people to move along and lo and behold it was Britney’s seat! She looked up at me and I was frantically thinking of something to say while keeping my cool. All I could come up with was “Nice outfit”. She said ” Thank You” in a very teenager sort of way. And that was it. If I was only clairvoyant, I could have warned her about what was coming her way and maybe her private life would have turned out a little better. If anything I could have told her not to shave her head, to stay with Kevin Federline and above all else never, ever, lose the abs. Her abs are her signature and there was a time in my life when I even aspired to have them. 

The day I decided I was going to have my own set of Britney abs, I called my friend Kelly and told her my plan. I was still young, living at home and had extra time. So I thought I am going to work my ass off. I am going to eat, sleep and breath my ab workout. My tummy is my problem area, even though I’m petite, and I wanted to have the most awesome abs ever. Kelly knew this would be impossible and so she straight out told me “No”. That was it. Not, “Well, maybe if you try really hard” or “That’s going to be a lot of work”. It was just plain “No” and she moved on to something else.  At the time I was a little sad, talk about someone crushing your dreams and aspirations. But  within 5 minutes I was over it. I never even tried and just opted to eat ice cream instead. 

brit ab 2
Around the time of Britney’s nervous breakdown, I brought up the Ab conversation with Kelly. She didn’t remember and then she felt bad. She was actually very quiet on the phone and then in her quick witted way she said “I’m sorry,but it makes you feel any better you can have them now”. I think we all remember, (even those of you that do not follow pop culture) Britney was a big mess a few years back. She attempted to make a comeback on MTV and she only made matters worse for herself by stumbling around the stage with her half hair extensioned/ half combed hair, not knowing who or where she was. If that wasn’t bad enough (and it pains me to say this) Britney was a little bit fat. She was jiggly and she wasn’t even trying to hide it. Why didn’t her people insist she wear something else?

I had a good laugh from Kelly’s comment. Those sorts of things never offend me at least from a good friend. And at that moment I had a small victory, my abs were even better than Britney’s. 


britney fat


3 Responses to “Britney Bitch”

  1. Kelly Says:

    That was awesome!

  2. Casey Says:

    Oh the VMA’s- what a night we had! The other day a friend thought she saw Ruthie at a restaurant- made me think of you running into her sis in the bathroom at the VMA’s drunk as a skunk (or maybe it was both of them?!) o and never knew Kelly was so blunt 😉

  3. Charlotte Says:

    My abs still aren’t better than Brit’s in that last pic but at least my mental health is!

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